Dear Dr Nikki,
I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 months and after a few months of being sexual, I want to admit to him that I need a vibrator to reach an orgasm. He keeps telling me he wants to be the one to give me an orgasm. I don’t know how to tell him I need my vibrator without offending him. How do I talk to him about this?
This is a really common issue when it comes to women wanting to use vibrators. I’m assuming if you are saying you feel you need a vibrator to reach orgasm that you are talking about clitoral stimulation. As much as 80% of women reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation, so you are most certainly not in the minority here. The problem is for those women who prefer clitoral simulation, the clitoris is often missed out during penetration sex or not given enough focus and stimulation. If you have been used to using a vibrator to reach orgasm, you could also be used to this sensation and think that it’s the only way of reaching orgasm.
You can explore direct stimulation without a vibrator and it might take some time to relax into this. Often when the pressure is on to reach the big O, it’s the pressure that can see an orgasm go hiding. Hence why a vibrator really might be needed.
Many men have this fear that a vibrator is their replacement and don’t understand it as an enhancement. If a vibrator could replace men than couldn’t a man’s hand replace women? It’s a similar thing. Whilst many men enjoy the act of masturbation, given the option of a women over their own hand, I would think most would choose the woman. As much as a vibrator can be a lot of fun, it can’t hold, hug, touch or kiss us.
It’s important to be honest with him about how you have been reaching an orgasm to date. You need to explain that you have been used to your vibe but it’s not impossible to reach an orgasm without it. However, due to the pressure of a new sexual relationship and reaching an orgasm, you are struggling a bit with getting there. Reassure him how much he turns you on and how attracted you are to him. Tell him how much you enjoy your sex life. But ask that a vibrator every so often be used and incorporated into foreplay. If you are able to have an orgasm during foreplay with the use of a vibrator, then the chances increase of having an orgasm during penetration due to the increase in blood floor making the vulva area more sensitive. There is even more support to using a vibrator to reach an orgasm as why it is only one that has to be had?
Make sure you choose a vibe that is small and quiet. If he is having hesitations, you don’t’ want a big phallic type product with a loud noise invading your bedroom space.
Also, make sure that you hand the control over to him. As tempting as it might be to show him how it’s done, if he is wanting to still give you an orgasm than he can do it, just with a vibe in hand. If you take control, he might really feel left out.
I hope that helps,