Dear Dr Nikki,
What’s your advice for women having trouble coming to an orgasm? Is it necessary for their male counterpart to be huge in size? Are there multiple ways a girl can orgasm if having trouble achieving with straight intercourse?
It is a normal thing for women to struggle to achieve orgasm and I feel like we don’t talk about it enough. There is also so much pressure on women these days to have an orgasm during sex as though it’s the defining factor to a successful sex life, which I don’t believe to be the case. We need to be defining good sex as feelings and emotions and not just on the basis of an orgasm occurring. But it is nice to be able to experience one.
It isn’t necessary at all for a male partner to be big in size for a woman to have an orgasm. The one fact I wish was taught more to younger woman was that as much as 80% of women achieve orgasm through clitoral simulation. The clitoris is not inside the vagina and sits outside, often covered or only slightly covered by a clitoral hood. As we are all different, some positions and for some people, they can indirectly stimulate the clitoris through penetration, but most often direct stimulation is required. And this is not something done during penis/vagina sex. So, orgasms are not correlated to penis size.
But even when it comes to g-spot stimulation (internal stimulation), the g spot is located on the anterior wall of the vaginal canal (the roof, or if you take your fingers about two inches in and upwards). As every penis is different too, some stimulate the g-spot during penetration sex but others that are more straight or curved the other way do not. So even if you are having fantastic penetration then the likelihood of an orgasm might not be high due to this anatomical fact. (Thank goodness for fingers).
Many women do achieve orgasm through penetration but there is also something that can up the odds. Foreplay! We all hear that word and know that it’s told as a sexual requirement, but so many don’t understand why. Women are like men in the terms that they need blood flow to the right areas. When a woman is stimulated sexually, the blood starts to rush to the vulva region, making it puffier and more sensitive. This is when orgasms are more likely. Sex might feel very different if no stimulation (foreplay) was engaged in before intercourse. Along with that puffiness and blood flow, the g-spot becomes more pronounced. If it’s sticking out a bit more, continual stimulation during intercourse is much more likely to lead to an orgasm. So, foreplay, foreplay foreplay!
There are multiple ways that a woman can achieve orgasm such as G-spot, Clitoral, U-spot and A-spot, but for this instance I think focusing on g-spot and clitoral is a good place to start
Women are often told that their sexual pleasure is something delivered by a man, that it is his responsibility to give an orgasm. Even at a young age, we are taught to give away our sexual responsibility with this idea of losing virginity. But unless you are losing your hymen which many girls have already lost before their first sexual experience, what do you lose? Then there is that language of giving your precious gift or flower away, once again telling women to give their sexual pleasure to someone else instead of owning it.
The best way to achieve an orgasm is to own your sexuality and your sexual responsibility. It’s your body and you have the right to do with it what you wish. For women, my advice is to self-love, or what many call masturbation. Relax, have a few glasses of wine, turn on the music, clear your mind and explore your body. How can you expect someone else to give you an orgasm if you don’t know how to give yourself one first? Explore internal and external and different toys and lubes. There is no right or wrong, this is a time to work out exactly what it is you enjoy and how your body works. That way you can tell someone else how it works too.
Achieving an orgasm if you have never can be a journey and not something that happens overnight. Take the time to relax, trust yourself and know that it is possible, it’s just discovering what way is the right way for you.