Aug
02

2011

I Won’t Before ” I Do”

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I Won’t Before ” I Do”
So unfortunately due to the time constraints of the Morning show, I didn’t get to go through all the questions that were put to me I especially wanted to add my voice and have my say on the ‘no sex before marriage debate’, so why not say it here?

On a purely professional level, I don’t believe in the notion of abstaining from sex before marriage. There are some
cases which I do support and see some benefits. However for the majority I don’t feel it to be a good idea and can prove to be toxic for the relationship.

Historically, the lack of contraception options available necessitated waiting for the safety and sanctity of marriage before engaging in sexual intercourse. Furthermore, there was a huge stigma attached to single parenthood and economically there were no single mother pensions or any such financial aid on offer. Having children were
often seen as a sign of wealth and success and sex was often seen not for pleasure but for procreation. Thankfully, this is no longer the case. Times have changed and so have our minds, bodies and freedom of choice.

My main concern with the practice of waiting until marriage for sex is the unnecessary pressure it may place on young people to get married at an early age. Does the impact of ranging hormones encourage those waiting to rush down the alter? I fear that their choice to get married may be heavily weighted by their desire to have sex, which they might not even be aware of. Some times we are prisoners to our biological urges.

I find it to be a strange notion when people profess to ‘give’ their virginity to their partner as an act of true love. A women’s sexuality is something she should own herself and it not something to “give away”. This can have many harmful repercussion. Women should be the ones to control their sexuality and be in charge of their own sexual pleasure, not
wait to receive mind blowing orgasms from their partner (if that is even possible).

Why should rename “ loosing one’s virginity” as “experiencing sexual pleasure for the first time with another person” (I know it’s long but it makes a strong statement). We also need to be careful when we use the words “ loosing” as it refers to a loss of innocence. Innocence refers to a lack of guilt, with respect to any kind of crime, sin or wrongdoing, not whether someone is sexually active. Those abstaining before marriage should not fear sex as a way of loosing their innocence, unfortunately something that is so highly cherish and valued in many cultures ( and also by many men).

I don’t believe that sex is necessarily an accurate reflection of love in a relationship. It is possible to have love without great sex but also to have great sex without love and there is nothing wrong with that as long as it is consensual.

I also have issues with people referring to their first time as a married couple as being ‘special’. As someone who has
lost my virginity to a person who was my boyfriend and not my husband, I take particular offence to that. Why should my sex life be any less special? Of course having sex with your marital partner can be incredibly romantic and beautiful but I believe that sex in its’ very essence is special. If you are both consenting adults experiencing pleasure and enjoying something amazing together, then why should it not be ‘special’?

There is also a school of thought using fear of STIs to convince teens to abstain from sex. In this day and age we have
options to protect ourselves and if only we put as much money and effort into giving our children adequate and up to date sex education, this would not be such an issues. Would you prefer to teach abstinence only programs and run the risk of when that person does have sex, their lack of knowledge could ensure a sexually transmitted illness or accidental pregnancy? Lack of innocence is not the crime but ignorance and lack of education is.

The question to ask ourselves is this, ‘Is sex really so dangerous, risky and loaded with negative emotions and potential hurt that we have to wait to be in a marriage to have it?’ In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with sex, as long as it’s safe and consensual. I feel that this is another example of society fearing something that is so pleasurable and thus places restriction on it. We should not have to be in the safety of a
marriage to have and enjoy sex. There are still no guarantees that you will be safe and your sexuality respect in a marriage and great sex is not something that can just be achieved with a ring or the words “ I do”.

I also come from a professional background whereby I have assisted in the divorce process on numerous occasions. When you see enough cases of divorce and the myriad of reasons for marital breakdowns it becomes apparent that exploring ones sexuality is an important undertaking that should be done before entering into the union of marriage.

But here is the twist; you can explore your sexuality without intercourse. You can be sexual without having sex. As a society we put so much emphasis on penis vagina sex and leave out all the little things before hand. It is also vital to see if you are sexually compatible, try before you buy! It can be incredibly difficult to put the spark back into a relationship but it is near impossible to do so if it was never there in the first place.

On a side note, but something that is important to me is the pleasure and other benefits that are associated with
sex. What our bodies can do is a gift and if life really was a bitch, we would procreate without pleasure. It is an amazing thing that we are able to experience such joy and pleasure from ourselves and our partners, why deny our
bodies that pleasure and stop something that biologically we all yearn for?

I can appreciate and respect abstinence before marriage WHEN it is someone’s personal choice. I may not understand it, or practice it myself, but I will support their freedom to make such a choice. However, my support does not lie with those that are pressured to retain their virginity by external forces such as religion, family or peers as is usually
the case. I consider that to be a case of brain washing and not someone’s choice.

This might sounds uncharacteristically harsh; especially coming from me but it is my point of view on this contentious issue. I hasten to add that it is not in my nature to force my view on to anyone and my only wish is for people to consider the many options available to them in life. This is a difficult one as people may claim, and honestly believe, it to be an independent choice without ever really questioning the thoughts and beliefs that they have been brought up with. Choice is a powerful thing, so make sure you use it and make it the one thing that is truly yours, sex or no
sex.

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