Have you ever wondered what goes on behind close doors in each state of Australia? Thanks to The Great Australian Sex Census by RedHotPie.com.au, the results are out and have been compared by state because, as we all know, Aussies like a bit of competition. I thought since one of my aims is not only to educate but also to entertain you, I would like to give you a brief overview of my favourite stats and of which state ranked the highest in which category (and reveal what state I am not going to live in after this survey).
Ok, so let’s start our journey of sexual statistics in the lovely state of Western Australia where they are sex mad apprently (I’m considering moving there by the way). They ranked highest in the average penis length (and I’m sure we believe them on that one) and most heavily tattooed. Heavily tattooed men with big penises, hmmmm! These West Australian folk are quite a kinky bunch too, holding the highest percentage for things such as men who fantasise about sex with another man, have had threesomes, have experimented with food during sex, like to talk dirty in the bedroom, enjoy sex in public, enjoy porn, are the most videotaped having sex and most likely to list an orgy as the top of their bucket list. But besides all this (and the fact they have the highest percentage of women with breast enlargements), the men of this state are most unsatisfied with their sex life. Is it because they are lying about their penis size or because they are secretly desiring men and stuck with women with large breasts? Or it could be the fact that they have the highest amount of people who think their relationships would be healthiest if they were open?
If you are looking for a good time, then it seems the Northern Territory is the place to be, being the sexier state. It’s the place to be if you are looking for single, bisexuals with DD breasts that are the most likely to masturbate daily, hook up with their co-workers, make booty calls, desire other women, be in open relationships and cheat on a partner. It just screams one massive party to me! But just when you think they have it all, they are the state with most men wanting a larger penis. Maybe the men of NT should talk to the men of WA? They have the biggest penises supposedly, and it’s not making them too happy.
I’m sorry if I offend anyone in Victoria with these next statements, but I have never had a desire to move there and now that desire is even lower with these results. Victorians seems to sit in the middle for most categories, but did top some; not the kind of things you would want to be the most of. It seems this is a bit of a prudish state (even though they have legal sex on premises clubs). They take the cake for the highest amount of women that don’t enjoy giving oral sex, people that have never had sex in the shower and people that turn the lights off during sex. They put sex with a celebrity at the top of their sexual bucket list and would not forgive a partner if they cheated. I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt and say it’s all due to the bad weather – just an awful case of seasonal affective disorder maybe, or hopefully? Victorians, is it time for a holiday to NT?
Now this makes me sad, being a current resident of NSW, where I thought we were an ‘out there’ sexual state (well, they do have a Sexologist living here!). Apparently we were uncontroversial and sat comfortably in the middle of the results. (That’s OK, at least we’re not Victoria). I hope this doesn’t mean that we are too afraid of attracting negative judgment to step outside the boundaries of sexual normality (that doesn’t sounds like Sydney at all). The only stats we topped the charts for were the highest rate of body contentment among women and the highest rate of women that believe you should only have sex with someone once married. WTF?
Living in Sydney (but originally coming from the Gold Coast), I’m fortunate enough to be able to say at times like this that I’m a Queenslander. Having said that, I’m not sure I really want to identify with all their highest stats. They came second in many categories but won the race for a few unique ones. Apparently people from the sunshine state think that a balcony is the best location to have sex. I don’t totally disagree with them on this one. If you have an apartment overlooking the beach (as 90% of people do), then why not make the most of the beautiful view and save on air conditioning? Maybe they are doing their bit from the environment (although, for the record, I do have an amazing balcony here in Sydney). Queensland was also the state with the highest number of swingers (well, what else is there to do, besides surf?), and the state with the highest amount of shaved pubic hair. This one I don’t really get. We are living in the age of fantastic bikini waxers and laser hair removal. Why then do some women still feel the need to fight with ingrown hairs? Get with the times QLD!
So there are states that are kinky, sexy and shaven, but there is a state that is the most satisfied when it comes to fun between the sheets. It seems that the residents of South Australia are the most sexually satisfied. They also have the lowest percentage of homosexuals at 3% and the highest percentage of women who are content with their vaginal appearance (because they don’t have a homosexual best friend to tell them how ugly those things are). This is where I start to get confused, in saying that they are content with vaginal appearance, they also have the highest percentage of women who would consider surgery to alter the appearance of their vagina.
If you’re a homosexual living in SA and you’re wondering where everyone else went to, try our nation’s capital, the ACT. They have the highest percentage of homosexuals, as well as the percentage of people who are pro gay marriage and in favour of allowing gay couples to adopt. Whether this next stat is related or not, they also have the largest amount of residents who find fake boobs a turn off (I’m wondering how many ACT residents find boobs a turn on at all?). Now all gay men might be running to the ACT for a holiday, especially after I tell you they also have the largest amount of satisfaction with penis size (that can only mean one thing …) but it seems I might need to take a trip to our capital to help the women out. They have the highest percentage of women who are virgins, who fake orgasms, are unsatisfied with their sex life and who don’t enjoy receiving oral sex. Could this be because the state is flooded with homosexual men? (I might need to take some hunky straight men on my trip to ACT with me – for the women there, of course).
I’ve never been to Tasmania and not sure these next stats are convincing me, unless I want to go skydiving – this activity was rated at the top of the bucket list to have sex. Our friends across the sea have the highest percentage of redheads (not that there is anything wrong with that) but also have the highest percentage of people who have naturally kept pubic hair (nothing wrong with that either, although you’d better shave if you’re heading to QLD for a holiday). Now this next one just makes me angry. They have the highest percentage of men who don’t enjoy giving oral sex. That’s it – I’m never going!
So, to recap, go to WA if you want some kinky action and big penises, NT for someone playful and sexy, VIC if you want to have a great coffee and look at art, NSW if you like uptight women, QLD if you want to have sex on the balcony with someone else’s wife or husband (and some stubble and ingrown hairs), SA if you are straight, ACT if you are gay (or men who are willing to go and take care of these poor women with bad sex lives) and TAS if you enjoying jumping our of a plane with a redhead who has a bush! To further this competition between states, I think we should hold a sexual State of Origin (I will put my hand up to be a judge).
Happy Sex Census,
Dr Nikki G