A letter to my virgin self

Nikki, I know right now sex seems like such a huge deal, but one day it will be a part of your everyday life. But it isn’t going to always be pretty and it isn’t going to always be how you imagined it would be. But sex isn’t perfect and you will learn that.  Don’t fret if your first time also isn’t perfect. Most people do not get that roses and candles experiences you once saw on Dawson Creek and decided was the ideal. It’s ok and it’s not the end of the world, although it might feel like it at the time. I know you will want to find the right and perfect moment, but there just might not be such a thing. The most important thing is to trust your gut and protect yourself physically and emotionally. Although I’m sorry to tell you, but protecting yourself emotionally might not be something you learn till later in life. And don’t worry, your first time, even though slightly scary and overwhelming won’t be an indication of how the rest of your sex life will be.

The biggest thing I want you to know is it’s ok to have sex and to have sex outside of a relationship and in situations and with people you might not at first thought you would. This is how you will learn about sex, by experiences. Make the most of the experiences in front of you. Enjoy the times that you have. With each sexual encounter, you will learn more about yourself, physically and emotionally. But never let anyone degrade you or make feel less for what you are doing. These people are either envious or judging you because they have been told experimenting with sex was not right. But why take on their backwards beliefs? If you are having fun, enjoying yourself and being safe, then let nothing stop you.

But there are a few things you need to know whilst you are experimenting and exploring with sex. Just because someone wants to have sex with you does not mean they want to pursue anything further with you. You are a sexual being, you were blessed with breast and a passionate personality. People will take advantage of that in the bedroom and that’s ok because it means they are attracted to you and attracted to those qualities in you. But it doesn’t mean that they are always going to like you further than this. You need to accept and understand these differences to minimise any hurt. There will be people that come along who want more from you, but if they don’t and it’s just a casual hook up, don’t waste your tears because why should you want to be with anyone that doesn’t want to be with you?

You will on many occasions have sex for the wrong reasons, and that’s ok. It will take some time to work that out. Don’t be hard on yourself if you do have sex to boost your self-esteem or to get someone to like you. It might be easier said than done not to do this, but allow yourself some mistakes. No one always gets it right, especially when it comes to sex.

But the most thing to try and get right is to protect yourself physically. No one is perfect and there will be moments where your decisions for safer sex might lapse. But never stop trying to get better and improve with this. It doesn’t matter if he tells you the condom feels too tight or small or you are both lost in the moment. It’s your body you are protecting it and if anyone doesn’t respect that than they don’t have a right to have a sexual encounter with you. Be firm with your sexual health beliefs.

Know that your heart will sometimes get the better of you. You will get it broken and mixed up in this sex crazed world. Even though you will try to see the difference between people who like you and people who are just attracted to you, it won’t stop you from falling for someone who doesn’t fall for you in return. Don’t worry because every time your heart breaks it will make you stronger and it will put you in the right direction to finding someone who is right. You will over and over be able to pick yourself up and move on in life. That is something that will be strengthened as you go on. So, don’t let fear stop you, because If you know how to pick yourself up nothing should stop you from doing what you want because of a possible negative outcome.

Make sure you keep an open mind as to who you choose to date and bed. Don’t worry about the list and ditch the expectations of what the society around you is saying. Look at the people in front of you and around you. Don’t judge them from the outside but focus on their goodness and see if there is something about them that interest you enough to want to get to know them a little more. Don’t get swept up in what a future might be and focus on the now.  Make sure you enjoy these beginning moments because you won’t get them forever. One day you will have your last first kiss. Enjoy the nerves and the awkwardness.

Learn to take control over your sexuality. This shouldn’t be done in an aggressive way but in a way where you stand up for yourself and you speak about what you need.

And I’m sorry to tell you, but it might be some time before you can work out how to achieve an orgasm. But know that you can and you one day will. But please don’t think it’s up to someone else to teach you or for someone else to give one to you. This is why self pleasure is so important. Make sure you explore all of your body and different ways to experience pleasure because unfortunately Nikki, you have grown up in a penetration focused society and that’s not the only way to experience sexual pleasure.

Learn how to be vulnerable and stern at the same time. Open your heart where you can but always know when to stand your ground. It will be your greatest asset in love and life if you can work out this balance quickly.

One day things will change. You will go from an independent women who is casually dating and hooking up to wanting real love and wanting to be loved. Make sure you go through this transition gently. When these casual hook-up might not be appealing anymore and might feel hollow, this is the sign that this transition has begun. Therefore, you will want to have as much fun as you can before this happens because you will get to a point where it just doesn’t feel like fun anymore. It feels empty. This will be something that feels like it happens to you, not something that is a choice.

Don’t worry about not meeting someone though. Everyone will tell you it will happen when you least expect it and that’s going to be the truth. Don’t let this sway you but let this information encourage you to keep going out and eating life whilst all the time just being you. It will come and it will happen and when it does those feelings that you have always longed will become real. You might go through moments where you doubt if feeling like this is possible, but know that it can and it will one day. But, it’s a journey to get there and one that’s well worth the bumpy ride along the way.

Nikki, I wish I could be there right now to hold your hand. You are going to go through some exciting times but also some scary and lonely ones, and what you are about to experience tonight might be just feel like that. But you will be ok because I can tell you got there. One day you will be living a life with a beautiful partner and the sex life you probably always dreamed of. You will be loved and you will love. You will have passion and pleasure. But you will look back to all these scary moments and realise that it all made you who you are today and it’s thanks to these moments that allowed you to find the right person to love.

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