A sexologist explains why happy people are horny people
The key to spicing up a relationship involves more than just intimacy.
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No matter how lavish and big your wedding is, it doesn’t guarantee a happy marriage.
In fact, according to a study by two economics professors at Emory University, couples who spend more than $20,000 on their wedding are 1.6 times more likely to end up divorced down the track, compared to those who spend between $5,000 and $10,000.
Yep, looks like you’re better off having it at the local pub and spending the rest on yourselves.
So if money can’t buy happiness, what can? Sexologist, relationship expert and author, Dr. Nikki Goldstein explains that thought and consideration is all it takes for a happy relationship.
“Foreplay is thought and consideration and that’s what people don’t get. Especially as women, we just want to feel considered,” Dr. Goldstein tells co-hosts Maz Compton and Dr Sam in the latest episode of podcast Healthy-ish: Should we cancel Valentine’s Day?
“We just want to feel as though someone just looked at us and though ‘I know you had a really tough day so I’m going to help you out.”
Listen up partners, because she’s talking about doing those household chores you all moan and groan about getting done, thinking that you’ll be repaid in the form of intimacy if you get them done. And if you’re not repaid, well then that’s when the resentment can kick in.
“When you have kids and when you are married for a long time, or even just your busy life in general, you get in bed, your head hits the pillow and you just want to sleep.
“That resentment is what kind of halts us from sexually connecting with somebody. But when you get into bed and realise that he was genuinely thoughtful and considerate, it’s not like you want to repay them with a favour, but it just makes you feel happier towards your spouse.”
The result is two happy people. And what are happy people? Horny people. #quoteoftheday
And her expert advice doesn’t stop there. If you’re worried your relationship is in a bit of a rut judged on the non-existent level of action going on in the bedroom, and you’re now wondering how to spice things up, well apparently you’re not alone.
“That question bugs me when we look at how to spice things up because there’s so much involved in it – you’ve got to look at your expectations.
“Do you think that 10 years on in a relationship, you should be having the same sex that you were having when you first met? Have you looked at what good sex is? Is it intimacy, connection or having fun?”
Instead of comparing your relationship to any commercialised example out there, you should simply just sit down and have a decent conversation (take it from the sexologist who’s experienced being on set of multiple porn scenes and seeing first hand that it’s simply a job, where there’s a clear beginning, middle and end – aka it’s not real).
“Everyone expects that there’s a lube, a pill or a move, but it’s more about having a deep conversation around why you’ve asked this question.
“Everything’s underneath the surface of all these problems. Once we work out the mental side of things, then you can go have fun with the moves, lotion and games.”
And some wise words for parents with young children?
“Normalising sex from a young age is so important, but by normalising I’m not saying I would encourage it – you just need to make it aware to them.
She explains that a vagina isn’t a “wee wee” – it’s just a vagina; just like a nose is a nose and eyes are eyes.
“When you start to make those body parts shameful, we start to present different messages,” she says.
“Of course we have to teach them about privacy and what’s appropriate at home and what’s appropriate in public, but even having conversations about things you hear on TV can be used as opportunities to discuss it with them.”
“If you can start that at a young age, then you can normalise all these other topics that you come across.”
Spoken like a true sexologist.
