Are We In A Dating Crisis?

I don’t want to be too negative, but it has become apparent we are in the midst of a dating crisis. Now, I am only referring to Sydney here as it the place I call home and know very well (and know it’s meat market intimately).


Over the past year I have been fortunate enough to work with and befriend some amazing, fantastic, high powered, successful women in this town. Some of these women are married or engaged and have it all, but many of these women are single, strong with no time to date and no time to be mucked around. It’s the alpha female gone wrong! I love the new term ‘alpha female’, the woman that has it all.

There is an abundance of women out there who have great jobs, an education, a social status, an income, a brain and a body, two feet to stand on and not a lot of time to sit around crying over a boy with a box of tissues. But here is the thing, they are all looking for Mr Right, so what’s the problem and why are they still dateless, desperate and giving up hope?


Society has given women the tick that we are now allowed to dominate and take control. We have choices, options and the barrier to what was acceptable for lovely ladies has been broken down. We can now do what we want to do, work where we want to work, have sex when and with whom we want to and look younger than we ever have (and still be considered lovely ladies).  With advances in technology, we can put a freeze on motherhood and extend our youth! This is all great, fantastic and liberating however, someone forgot to send a memo to the men out there that this is ok and is still appropriate for a woman possible of marriage.


It seems apparent that these women tend to scare men off. (Myself included). We don’t want to be owned, controlled or belittled, but we do want to love and be loved! I’m not sure where along the way men were taught, that in order to be men, they had to be the dominate one, earning more money and making the tough decisions, with their girlfriend, wife or casual sex partner in tow.


Is this the fault of the alpha female being too strong or a man’s masculinity not being strong and secure enough? Is the alpha female threatening the alpha male? What makes a man a man? The colour blue, sports cars, muscles and lots of adoring women? Women are allowed to be men and women, tough, masculine but also feminine, (and we are also allowed to wear their shirts and jeans  – the boyfriend shirt and jeans). But men still have to be men or if they want to be like women then they are slapped with the label of ‘gay’. I feel sorry for men, especially masculine men. Where we have multiple options for our gender, they seem only to have one! Maybe this is why there is not enough room for the alpha female in an alpha man’s life. Is there not enough room for two alphas in the dating word? Does one have to be more submissive in order for it to work? ( I hope not).


But it’s not entirely a man’s fault. In order to be an alpha, we have had to fight, persevere and have determination like no other. We have come across criticism and have worked our way to where we are now. In the process, many of us have forgotten how to be vulnerable and also take the back seat and go with the flow. I’m not saying we need to be submissive entirely, but allowing someone in every so often to take control can be a good thing. With the fight an alpha female has to go through in life, have we forgotten how to say yes and are we too sceptical of the opposite sex and what damage they might do if we let them in?


Time is also against us. I have spoken before about before the curse of the 30’s. We have been given choices in life but now but we still receive pressure from the outside world, to settle down and have kids when we reach the big 30. Our biological clocks are screaming for motherhood and the messages from society are supporting this. Whether we should or will have children in our 30’s is another topic, but what it does do for so many of us alpha females who crave to one day be a parent, is make us time poor.


When we were once 18, 19, 20 and so on, we went with the flow, we dated men we knew were not going to be our husbands and we enjoyed it. Later in life, it’s a different game. If we feel that biological clock ticking away, our choices in dates is going to be focusing on whom we could possibly procreate with. Its just evolution and human nature that creeps in. This makes the dating pool a little smaller. Combined with the fact that we have dated a few men by now, know what we do want and what we don’t want, the dating pool decreases once gain. So those we have to choose from are those that would make a good husband or father or life partner or long tern partner, who have a job, no baggage, don’t leave their dirty underwear around and know how to treat a woman. Oh, that should be easy!


Do we also have social media to blame? I know Facebook and Twitter have revolutionised the way we date and socialise, but it has also come at a price. It allows us to be that much more judgemental on the superficial things, without really getting to know someone on the inside. When we all meet someone that tickles our fancy, what is our next move? Add them on Facebook and stroll through all their information, photos, comments and mutual friends. It is generally by this profile that we decide if they are datable or not. Maybe this is also why people put so much pressure into taking a good profile picture! This technological behaviour has its advantages but it is taking us so far away from good old fashioned dating values. Do we call each other and chat on the phone? Do we ask each other out on a date to get to know one another better? Or do we revert to facebook stalking, tweeting, facebook messaging, private messages and liking a status? How well can you possibly get to know someone on line? Are we too quick to dismiss someone based on this on line superficial information?


So what to do? I only wish I had the answer. Maybe we do however need to let our guards down, both men and women. Men, allow women to be strong and independent and support them. A woman who knows what she wants and how to get it can be such a sexy thing. Don’t think though this at all takes away from you being a man. And women, every so often let your guard down and let someone in. Learn how to say yes and give up that dominating control, at least long enough to see what happens.


Happy dating my alpha females and alpha men,


Dr NikkiG

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