Ask Dr Nikki – New Sexual Relationship

Hi Dr Nikki,

So a bit of background info, I got married when I was 23 divorced at 26. I was engaged until she left me at the start of last year. So I met this fantastic woman in January, 34 no kids like myself and wants to find someone to have a future with. Went on our First date in March all went really well and agreed to see each other again.

 We finally had our 2nd date but made it a weekend away for my birthday last weekend, the best weekend I have ever had!! At the moment we live 2.5 hours away from each other, I am moving back to that area later this year, I recently got a new job which is great, the worst part is I will be spending 2 months down in Sydney and she has told me that she will come down to visit which is awesome, but what I wanted to know is this, I really, really like this woman a lot, and I feel like I want to let her know how I feel about her and that I would love to have a relationship with her, we have planned a few events to go to during the year along with doing things together.

 We didn’t have sex over the weekend, we laid in bed and cuddled and kissed all night, I didn’t want to because she means a lot to me and I wanted to show her that. So should I be up front with her and tell her my feelings or should I just chill out?

Sorry for the long message but I thought I would ask you your opinion because dating in 2018 is shit lol

Thanks,

Sean

 

Hi Sean,

So it sounds like to me if you are making plans to do things together throughout the year than she is also into you too. Sometimes you need to look closely at the situation that is going on to realise that it already looks like a relationship. It’s not like on the playground when you had to say so someone, “will you be my girlfriend,” but I also understand that if you like someone, it’s nice to have that official conversation. So, what are you waiting for? She is making plans to come spend time with you and do activities with you and I don’t think she would be doing that if she also wasn’t keen on you too. Why not tell her how you feel?

In regards to the not having sex, this is an interesting topic so many face in the dating world these days. Why is it if a guy likes someone he thinks that not sleeping with her is showing her he likes her enough to respect her? It’s like saying that women who have sex with men too soon might be a bit slutty or trying to get a woman into bed early on might give her the impression you only want her for one thing. It’s actually a way to degrade those who do have sex for their actions.

But what also about the loving side of sex? What about the sex that connects two people and allows them to expression their emotions? I’ve never been a fan of the idea of waiting for sex because you want to show someone you like them. I like the idea of waiting for sex if you want something to look forward to and want to get to know someone, but not in terms of showing or now showing how you feel. I feel it can be a negative belief around female sexuality. It’s not a matter of having sex with her or not that should count, but how you treat her after if you do. But I totally respect your decision to wait, just make sure you don’t wait too long that she starts to wonder if you are really into her.

Also, if you like someone, don’t worry about “chilling out” which might just be another way to play games. It sounds like you are both beyond that and it might be time to let her know how you feel.

All the best and I hope things work out for you and your new love.

Xoxo

Dr Nikki