Ask Dr Nikki – Too Tired For Sex
Hi Dr Nikki,
Me and my partner both work full time, exercise a lot and do a lot of extra activities on the side which means our days are long and we’re wrecked by the time we get into bed and in period of high stress, sex is pretty much at the bottom of our to do list (pun not intended).
Do you have advice for how to combat this sort of thing? If feels like by the time we get home, cook dinner, prepare for the next work day and get time to sit down and relax, it’s already bed time because we’re both up so early and I think we are stuck in the mentality that getting enough sleep trumps having sex.
Thanks,
Julia
Dear Julia,
One of the problems facing many couples these days is a lack of time for sex. We all seem to be living busier lives. Whilst I think it’s great that you both exercise a lot and do other activities, you need to also consider balancing this with intimate time. Notice how I call it intimate time with each other and not sex? Often couples can feel pressure to have sex, but what you need to be ensuring is that you have time to be intimate with each other and reconnect.
You need to also consider why you have sex. It might feel good, we think we should in order for a relationship to be healthy, but what about the benefits it has on a couple? It’s as though we tend to forget that and with that, sex starts to drop down on the list of importance in your life. There is also another saying that is important within this context, “if you don’t use it you lose it.” That is often a reference to sex and aging, but I also think it is relevant with most busy couples these days. Once you get out of the routine of incorporating a regular sex life into the mix, it can feel difficult to get it back.
Besides time, it’s important to also look at other factors that might be stopping you from having sex. When you do have sex, is it good? Are you both thoroughly enjoying yourselves? If something felt really good, you would want to do it more wouldn’t you? It’s not to say that you might be having bad sex now, but it might night be pleasurable enough for you to make it a priority in your busy life. Looking at your desires and increasing the pleasure factor in the bedroom just might help to encourage you both to do it more.
You can also get creative with when you are having sex? It doesn’t have to be right before bed time. You say that you sit down and relax after dinner. Could you turn relaxing time into sexy time? Sex doesn’t always have to be followed by sleep. You might not feel like running a marathon, but before you brush your teeth and do your nightly rituals, there is a window of opportunity that many couples miss. What about the morning? Can you have one shower? Is there a bit of time between when you get home and when you start to cook dinner? What about Uber Eats one or two nights a week so there is more time for some fooling around? What about the weekend? You might need to get creative with time. But to motivate you to get creative, you might also need to focus a little more on why sex is important to you as a couple and how you can increase the level of satisfaction when you do have sex.
I hope that helps and maybe try to do one less workout a week and workout together (wink wink).
Xoxo
Dr Nikki
