‘She sent me articles on polyamory’: Single mother is shocked after her best friend asks her to have sex with her HUSBAND
- A single mum has revealed she was asked by a friend to sleep with her husband
- She said the situation is tricky because she spends a lot of time with the family
- The friend regularly sends her articles on polyamory in a bid to spark her interest
- Sexologist Dr Nikki Goldstein explains how to tell if polyamory is right for you
Published: 05:24 GMT, 30 October 2019 | Updated: 06:24 GMT, 30 October 2019
A single mum has revealed her shock at being asked by her best friend if she would consider having sex with her husband.
Sharing details with Australian sexologist Dr Nikki Goldstein, the woman named Sally said her friend is on medication and has a ‘non-existent sex drive’.
While she said hadn’t ruled out the idea entirely, things are complicated by the fact she and her friend do ‘a lot of family stuff together’ as their kids are the same age.
Signing off, Sally told Dr Goldstein her friend regularly sends her articles on polyamory as a way of potentially sparking her interest.
In response to the woman’s request for ‘helpful advice’, Dr Goldstein said not knowing her feelings about the proposal made things tricky.
However, she said she hoped she was thinking about things with an open mind, one that takes into account the ‘unique’ nature of sexual desire.
‘This might sound a bit odd to you Sally, but don’t ever judge somebody for what their sexual desires are.’
‘We all have a unique and different way of constructing a relationship,’ she wrote on her blog.
Dr Goldstein said it was a positive sign her friend trusted her enough to speak openly about the proposal which she said she may see as a legitimate way to help save her marriage.
‘If she doesn’t have a sex drive towards her partner any more and her partner still desires sex, then maybe being able to form some sort of relationship with you might be a great idea,’ she said.
The relationship expert told Sally the most important thing she needed to consider was how she honestly felt about the situation.
This meant asking herself if she was attracted to her friend’s husband along with being secure in the knowledge this was ‘something’ she could do.
‘How would you feel about being in a polyamorous relationship and having her as a friend but having a relationship with her husband?’ Dr Goldstein asked.
Shining a light on the reality of polyamory, the expert said it was worth thinking about what might happen if things ‘go wrong’.
What is polyamory and how does it work?
* The word’ polyamory,’ by definition, means loving more than one.
* Polyamory is a style of relating romantically that involves openness to emotional and sexual attachments to more than one person, with the knowledge and consent of all involved.
* The only real rules for calling something polyamory is that the sexual and relational interactions be 1) consensual, 2) above-board, and 3) respectful.
The main definition for polyamory, though, is contained in the coined word: ‘many loves’, not just many sexual partners.
She said if the partnership didn’t work out it might spell the end of her friendship, something that would impact her as well as her family.
Dr Goldstein added it was important to carefully weigh up the risks as well as the possible benefits before making a decision.
She said above all else to be very clear there is a real desire and this is ‘something you could see yourself doing’.
Dr Goldstein said to pay attention to which direction the scales tip when the value of the friendship – and its potential loss – is added.
Would you get a ‘sleep divorce’? Why more couples than ever are sleeping in separate beds to IMPROVE their relationships – and how it really does work
- Growing number of sleep-deprived couples are now spending their nights apart
- They are sleeping in their own bedrooms to escape their partner’s pesky habits
- Snoring, restlessness and blanket stealing are some things keeping them up
- Experts claim the ‘sleep divorce’ has made relationships stronger more than ever
- Up to 200,000 Australian couples are now sleeping in separate beds, study finds
A growing number of sleep-deprived couples are now spending their nights apart in their own bedrooms so they can enjoy a good shut eye.
Pesky bedtime habits such as snoring, different schedules, insomnia, body heat, tossing and turning, and even blanket stealing are causing disruption between the sheets.
As research shows about 200,000 Australian couples are now sleeping in separate beds, there’s been a rise of the ‘sleep divorce’.
Despite the stigma surrounding the unconventional arrangement, New York couples therapist Tamara Green said sleep divorce has proven to strengthen relationships.
‘It’s absolutely still possible to maintain a good sexual connection,’ she told TODAY.
‘They get enough rest and they feel like they are able to hear each other out and get their needs met.’
A growing number of sleep-deprived couples are now spending their nights apart in their own bedrooms so they can enjoy a good shut eye (stock image)
In April last year, Jennifer Adams, 53, revealed she and her husband Fraser Mackay, 51, were happily married for 14 years despite sleeping in separate bedrooms.
Speaking to Daily Mail Australia, Ms Adams busted the myths about separate sleepers, and how the arrangement made her marriage stronger than ever.
‘Show me the stats of the divorced couples who shared a bed every night,’ she said.
‘Sleeping in separate rooms does not mean the end of a relationship, it’s just a way of doing maintaining our relationship.
‘Talking about it openly becomes more socially acceptable. You would be surprised at how many happy married couples out there already doing this.’
Ms Adams – who’s the author of Sleeping Apart Not Falling Apart – said couples should not resist sleeping apart if it means a better night’s rest.
Happily married couple Jennifer Adams and Fraser Mackay have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for 14 years – and they insist the arrangement has strengthened their relationship.
‘It’s practical. If you’re being disturbed by your partner’s snoring, and you’re not getting enough sleep, then you need to do something to restore yourself,’ she said.
‘The key message is this should be done for health. Sleeping is such a luxury and if you’re not getting enough, ask yourself: If your partner is disturbing your sleep? If so, then you should consider sleeping in separate rooms.
‘Be explicit with each other and have those rituals so you know everything’s okay. Be honest about why you’re doing this – that’s your key to send it into success.
‘If you’re doing it because there’s issues in your relationship, then you need to address those problems first.
‘It’s not a black-and-white issue. Consider sleeping separately sometimes. You might need sleep on some days because of work commitments or you just need a good night’s sleep.
‘We are both well rested now, it was such a key drive for us. We are both people who needed sleep, and the separate rooms took away that tension of both being tired.
‘Talk to your partner. Be confident in your decision and just be proud about it. If you’re doing it for the right reasons, then you don’t have anything to worry about.
‘Just remember, it’s not you, it’s about sleep.’
Last year, Sydney’s sexologist Dr Nikki Goldstein said sleeping in separate bedrooms can actually be good for your relationship if you approach it the right way.
She shared her tips to make a ‘sleep break-up’ work for you – and how you can tell your partner about the sleeping arrangement without hurting their feelings.
‘We all have a fantasy that the perfect, ideal relationship is that you both go to bed at the same time, and potentially have sex when you do,’ she told Daily Mail Australia last July.
‘But look at the facts, sleeping has nothing to do with intimacy, we all need sleep to survive.’
Australian specialist mattress and bedding retailer Bedshed found in its research that tens of thousands of couples are now sleeping in separate beds.
‘It’s quite common for couples to sleep in separate bedrooms but people don’t like to admit it because they fear others might think there’s something wrong in their relationship,’ Dr Goldstein said.
So if you’re struggling with restlessness, she said there are ways to talk about your sleeping issues with your other half without offending them.
‘The first thing is be very precise and clear with how you explain it. If it has something to do with sleeping circumstances, be prepared to compromise. Your partner might see it as a rejection to them because you no longer want to sleep in the same bed – so compromise, compromise, compromise,’ Dr Goldstein said.
‘If you do decide to sleep in separate bedrooms because you both have a busy lifestyle, make sure you lock intimacy time. Compensate not sleeping in the same bed and have a schedule to spend time together.
‘What I don’t encourage couples doing is permanently sleeping separately. Maybe once or twice a week so you can get a full night’s sleep – and you’re not waking up grumpy and resentful – it’s that resent that leads to other layers in your relationship.’