Duty Sex

Duty Sex? Tracey Cox in the UK has recently asked the question, “ Is it ok to make love just because your partner wants to?” You know those times when you might be tired, not in the mood and not interested and your partner is giving you that slight nudge of encouragement. Do you A) tell them to keep their hands to themselves B) Jump at their every sexual need even though you are exhausted or C) On some occasions put on an enthusiastic grin and have some fun for their sake and to see them happy. Unfortunately, I know a lot of people who are choosing option A. (And a lot of partners who are suffering because of it).


It is one of those difficult questions, should one person have to go without or should the other person have to do something they don’t want to? This is where compromise really is the key. But should we even be seeing sex as something one person has to give up and another has to do as a chore, or should we be seeing it as a way to make our partner happy. (I think this is where a comment like happy wife, happy life works it’s way in).


Tracey’s Advice, “if you’re in a long-term, monogamous relationship, I think you should accept that you will have to have sex when you don’t feel like it sometimes.” However I think the key here is why should you? Sometimes we do things for our partner to make them happy, whether it’s cooking for them, cleaning up or doing something thoughtful to show them we care. Why should this be any different? Now there is a problem if this is the only pattern of your sex life and if you are giving in to their every sexual need when you are not in the mood. (Sometimes not having sex is a need too).



Now Tracey does not suggest to roll your eyes, purse your lips and lie there like a cadaver (well unless that’s what your partner is in to). But instead to see the lust in their eyes and find it a turn on rather than feeling annoyed and for them to see lust and enthusiasm back in you. Is this a case of fake it till you make it or exaggerate a mood to get things going?


I have on multiple occasional worked with the renowned Jon Jeremy (before you go where I think you will go, by work I do not mean had sex with) and his best advice has always been, enthusiasm is the key when it comes to sex. You can read thousands of books and articles on sexual techniques in the bedroom but what really matters is seeing that look of enthusiasm in your partners eyes and in their actions. There is nothing more of a turn on than a partner that wants to be there with you.


Now here comes the good part. Tracey Cox also suggests that, “Study after study proves if you make the effort to try to get in the mood for sex, a lot of the time, you actually end up enjoying it immensely.” So exaggerating enthusiasm in a situation where you might not be in the mood could in fact cause you to be generally in the mood. (All men have just had this one fact burnt now into their brains and I apologize to the women they will use it on).


So maybe duty sex is the way to spice things up in the relationship?


Sometimes there are things in life we don’t want to necessarily do, but we do then to make someone else happy  – occasionally, sex might be one of them.


Happy Duty Sex




Dr Nikki

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