How to get the spark back in your relationship

I had the privilege of being a guest on the show, The Last Resort, where couples are given a month to decide if they will stay together or not. Whilst heading to an Island to talk about my fave subject sex, which is not such a bad gig, what I loved the most was that the issues we were dealing with were very much a representation of what so many couples experience. And it has to do with one important word – intimacy.

When it comes to trying to spice things up, people often turn to the type of sex they are having, how many times they are having it and if orgasms are present. But does it mean if these things are solved that the spice and even satisfaction is what couples will achieve?

What I noticed in my short but sweet time with the contestants on this show was that they could all do with a dose of intimacy. Jodie and Stu’s sexless marriage has become a major theme and I don’t believe that just having sex again will solve their issues. It’s not so much the lack of sex that concerns me, but the fact that if they are not having sex, where are they getting their intimacy from?

Whilst Lisa and Dan seem to have an interesting spark, close intimacy and bonding doesn’t seem to have been highly present on their list. It’s more about kinky sex than passionate sex (head to watch the link online for their bedroom confessions). Then there is Sarah and Keelan, who seem to be more buddies than lovers. All couples involved needed a dose of intimacy but a lesson in what intimacy was too.

So why did I decide to do a kissing exercise with the couples? Kissing is often the first thing that seems to go down the drain when relationship issues arise. And by kissing, I mean passionately kissing. Some might see this as foreplay or something teens get up to, but it’s so much more in the bigger scheme of things. Being face to face with someone, tongue in mouth is not only passionate but intimate. It can make people feel loved and bonded. It’s not like there is the possibility for us to have an orgasm from swirling our tongues around each other’s mouths. It does feel good, but could the reason that It feels so good not just be a physical sensation but a mental one? So why don’t we do it enough?

Sometimes it’s just because we are not aware that kissing can help with intimacy and even that intimacy is the missing factor in general. Making people passionately kiss might seem somewhat awkward when you are filming it for TV, but when I saw the change especially in Jodie and Stu, I knew any potential awkwardness just paid off. It was as if an intimate light went off and their entire personas changed.

If you have not watched it, I urge you to check out the episode to see the moment Jodie and Stu gave me goose bumps. What was missing from their relationship might have been sex, but it wasn’t sex that was going to solve their issues rather beginning the path of increasing intimacy and passion that might get them close to their goal.

Anyone who is struggling in their relationship and wondering how to spice things up, here is a good point to start. But it doesn’t even have to be in the bedroom too. Challenge yourself to think about how you can increase passion and intimacy into your relationship outside of the bedroom too.

I love that joke that for women foreplay starts 24 hours before a couple get into the bedroom. I love it cause it’s true. You don’t have to be on a luxurious island to work on your relationship and sometimes staring outside of the bedroom is the perfect place to begin.

Another issue in most of the relationship was that there was difference in the amount of sex each partner wanted to have. Expect for in Jodi and Stu’s situation, most of the other couples fit into that mould of a man who wants it more, and a woman who does it nearly as a chore. Whilst woman in this position think they are doing the right thing by fitting in their partner’s need into their busy schedule, no one wants to engage in physical intimacy and pleasure with someone who’s facial expression and body language portray, “Will you hurry it up already.” It’s not so much that one person (stereotypically a man) wants it more than his female partner, but it could be that his female partner is not sexually satisfied. What? Could women want sex just as much if not more than men if they were sexually satisfied?

Let’s look at this pattern. Woman need some sort of foreplay, not so our gates open but for our mind and body to get into the game. When a woman is sexually pleasured and enjoying herself, I assure you she will be the one initiating sex too. When sex becomes mundane but she feels she has to, she will engage in it out or reluctance and only half mentally be there. And if she is not feeling pleasured and desired in the bedroom, her willingness to partake in sex will only become less and less. Maybe there is really truth in the saying, happy wife happy life.

It’s not so much a matter of mismatched libidos but sexual boredom from one partner that might be the real issue. But if you have been paying attention what do you think I’m going to tell you to do. Increase intimacy first which will not only help her to get into the mood but if you were paying attention to the couples, help her to be sexually satisfied in the bedroom too. And if you are still wondering how intimacy could trump kinky sex and be the answer to many of those sexual issues, let’s look at two couple. Jodi and Stu and Dan and Lisa. Jodi and Stu have a sexless marriage but seem excited just with a passionate kiss. Dan and Lisa appear to have the kinky bedroom life so many couples think is what they need to aim for, yet she is still missing romance, intimacy and passion and is not completely satisfied. So, what helps sexual satisfaction in the bedroom? Kinky sexy of passionate intimacy?

These couples might be the ones putting their relationships and sex lives out there, but really what the are experiencing is what so many people do. It’s not rocket science to getting that spark mark but rediscovering what that spark should have been to begin with.