Porn Stars Are People Too
If the names, Alexis Texas, Nina Mercedes, Mr Pete or Jessica Drake don’t mean a thing to you, then I’m sure Ron Jeremy does. The one thing these people have in common, they are world famous porn stars, the other, I have gotten to know them, spend time with them and are happy to call them friends and colleagues.
Before I became a Sexologist, I must admit I didn’t think much of porn stars. There are so many negative beliefs we have in society about why they get into this line or work and what kind of people they are. They get painted as sex crazed, drugged up, low moral citizens of this earth. There is also the belief that they come from broken homes, abusive relationships and are cashing in on their bodies to support their drug habits. There is such an emphasis on the money because no one can really understand how they might enjoy their line of work (and trust me, many of them do).
Last year, I had the privilege of socialising with some girls who were working for Wicked, a porn company, I didn’t even know who they were or what they did. We were at an adult industry event, so I had some indication they were in the field but not the extent that there were. I got to know them quickly without judgement or a google search. This was an amazing experience as I knew them for the people they were on the inside and not what they did for a living. I got to know and see what they did after, but it made no difference, it was their personalities that had stuck in my mind, not their sexual antics.
People are judged by their line of work and it is often hard to differentiate between the person and the job. The common belief about porn stars is they must be must horny all the time (well some of them are) but they are different people when the cameras are not rolling. As a Sexologist, people also have trouble differing between my job and who I am. I do this because I saw a need to help people and lift social judgements not because I wanted to have sex all the time. I would not go as far as saying a porn star gets into their line work because they don’t like sex, but there is much more to it.
Recently, I had the pleasure of getting to know a woman by the name of Bella Donna. I am aware of porn and yes have seen it many times,(news flash, women do like porn too) but are not one of those people who knows the actors by name. So I must admit I had to google search her before our first encounter ( and what an interesting google search that one was).
I was at first taken back by some of the things she got up to ( and if you are not familiar with her movies, there is one that involves a baseball bat) but soon became fascinated with her and realised she had that je ne sait quoi. It’s hard to explain exactly what that is when it comes to a porn star. She does not have breast implants, is not blonde, has a gap between her teeth and does not look like everyone else. But there is something about her that makes her sparkle on screen. She is also real and appears to be having a real good time ( Definitely no fake orgasms there). You nearly forget she is having rough kinky sex and are just drawn to her as a person. This is one quality that does follow her off screen.
On the first night of Sydney Sexpo, I crawled down to Darling Harbour after a tortuous long day in search of a late dinner to find Bella Donna, eating a pizza in jeans and a hoddie. She looked like an innocent teenage kid. Having one on one time with her was something so special and rare. These are people who are hunted down and constantly surrounded by crowds of fans. We were out of Sexpo, out of costume and showing our true selves. I did not see the porn star, I saw a concerned mother having to have left her daughter back in the US and a beautiful soul being able to discuss matters of the world and of course sexuality. I then realised porn stars are people too.
During the same Sexpo, some of the visiting porn stars attending a party that was being held. It was a short appearance as they were being hassled sexually by other patrons. I also overheard people talking about them as potential sexual conquests. They felt that they could and would do to these stars what has been done to them in the movies. It was as though the sexual fantasy on screen was following them around in real life. It still saddens me. Like with any friend, I felt angry that someone was being seen as a piece of meat and as a result of this they left out of discomfort. What people didn’t understand is that this is a job and what they do sexually on screen might not be their sexual preference in real life. Maybe this is the problem with porn and other occupations, we don’t know how to differentiate it from reality and we don’t know how to see (and treat) porn stars as real people.
My advice from this is to not define someone by what they do but who they are on the inside. Don’t slap a label on because someone is a porn star or even a Sexologist. I don’t’ care what you do (well as long as you are not hurting anyone) what I care is what’s inside and how you treat me and others. This goes with everything in life, porn star or no porn star. If only we could look past the jobs, labels, circumstances and judgements and see what is really on the inside. (something Facebook cannot show you).
Happy getting to know people on the inside,
Dr NikkiG
