Q: I can’t climax during sex – is it mental or physical?

A: Both! But do me a favour and replace the world can’t with struggling. It is more than likely that you are able to achieve the Big O but it’s very common for woman to struggle to get there. Before we even look at the physical side of things, we need to address the mental.

When it comes to bedroom matters, a woman’s worst enemy can be herself. When we over think things, get stuck in our heads it can not only distract us from where we are but also stop the pleasure pathways from our brains, the biggest sexual organ to our other sexual organ. Especially if you are getting more and more concerned about not being able to orgasm when you do engage in sexy time with the intent to try and orgasm, the pressure of trying to make it happen could be the thing that stops it.

You need to learn how to relax and bring your focus back into the bedroom. If you are someone who has a lot on their mind and doesn’t stop thinking during sex, try and engage in more foreplay that is slow, seductive and relaxing. Play some music or have a shower or bath together. Anything to put some time between your hectic crazy day and your physically intimate time with your partner. Mindfulness and meditation are also good tools to take into the bedroom. Simple breathing exercises or even using meditation apps for a few minuets can help to slow down and relax the mind and keep it more present with the actual sexual contact that’s going on.

With the physical side of things, sometimes it can be not knowing yet how your body has an orgasm. Some people find clitoral stimulation easier and others g-spot. I personally don’t think it means you are only capable of one or the other but that one is easier to achieve than the other. Don’t be stressed if you can’t have a Hollywood orgasm and cum at the same time as your partner. Hollywood is not a great example of anything, especially sex but you might need to get creative. But in order to get creative you need to understand your body first and how it works. Spend time experimenting with your own hands (that means masturbation). There is no right or wrong with these but more what’s right for you. If you are able to achieve an orgasm by your own hands first, then it will help you mentally relax as you know you are able of doing it and know what spot to hit, now you just need to take it the next step and work out how to incorporate that with a partner.

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