This is the secret to great sex after kids, according to a sexologist

Having babies can be one of the most beautiful gifts of life, so it seems unfair that one beautiful gift has the potential to negatively impact another – your sex life.

First, you need to give yourself a break. And by break, I mean stop trying to be perfect, parenting is hard enough. Once you take the pressure of things outside of the bedroom, things in the bedroom might feel manageable. But you need to also take the pressure off yourselves to have a perfect sex life, too. What is a perfect sex life, anyway? Even those who are not parents are still trying to figure that out.

When it comes to getting your sex life back (not perfect, back) understand that things WILL change. Not might but will. And that’s okay because nothing ever stays the same in life, especially once children arrive. Don’t fear it, embrace it. If things stayed the same all the time life would be boring. With time will come knowledge, understanding of your body, your partner’s body and a deeper sense of intimacy… all things you don’t get in a honeymoon period. This can be used to your advantage once you work out how to balance sleeping and time management.

There are a few tips and tricks that can help you work at things during a time when your focus is not on each other, and getting things back in the bedroom might feel like a struggle.

Intimacy without sex

This is important especially in the early days of having children, as the physical act of sex might not be something you are in the mood for or is possible. We need to consider why we have sex. Not just for orgasms but for bonding, pleasure, intimacy and closeness between a couple. It’s the bonding and intimacy that can help a couple when times are tough.

Instead of penetration sex think of ways you can touch, as touching releases similar hormones to sex. Can you embrace in bed, lay on the couch between meals and enjoy bedtime together? Hold hands when you are out and about and kiss passionately. This will also help to start a woman’s sexual desire again. When pressure is on to have sex for a woman it can be a turn off, especially after childbirth… but intimacy and touching is a great way to start to get back to that more sexual place for a couple.

When you do start to feel in the mood, embrace the quickie

Some people complain about this short period for sex, but it can be very exciting. Often it’s primal, feels a little naughty and can be in more adventurous locations and positions. See it as something fun and cheeky and know that your sex life will not always be quickies in the laundry.

The Golden Hour – after bedtime, before bedtime
Many couples have a routine at night. They put the kids to bed and then continue to do their own chores or catch up on some TV. The beauty of young kids is that they go to bed early. There is the next issues of kids who also wake up during the night and wonder in, but the safest time just might be that time after you put them to bed. This is where you need to place importance on your sex life and put it above chores and Netflix.

Spicing things outside of the bedroom = spicing things up inside of the bedroom

When you are being pulled in multiple directions, there is the tendency to work against each other, feeling frustrated and angry. When you do get time, having sex with your spouse might be the last thing on your mind. Try and do things for each other in everyday life. Are there ways you can help each other out around the house or do something for your partner that they will appreciate? Acts like these can see a spouse wanting to pleasure you in return and going to bed with love in their eyes instead of frustration that they had to put the dishes away, again.

Time for yourself

One of the ways you can help your partner out is to give them a bit of solo time. Little moments like this can help someone to recharge and also remind them that they are a person, not just a parent. One of the problems, especially with parents of young kids is they forgot who they are outside of a Mum or Dad. To be able to remember they are a sexual person and parent too, they first need to remember they are a person outside of these parental roles and a little time to be reminded of that.

As children get older, obstacles might change. But whatever the obstacles are, know that being sexual and connecting with your partner is important for parents. We look at families these days and leave out the fact that parents still need certain things. We joke about the lack of sex with not many trying to offer any solid solutions. Parents need to not feel guilty about putting their relationship first sometimes and the more that they can embrace that the better parents they can be. It’s not just happy wife happy life, it’s also happy parents, happy home. And what can make a parent really happy besides sleep…