When you first begin seeing someone, everyone always has questions. In my personal and professional opinion I think there is too much focus on these questions and not enough of how two people make each other feel. Here are ten of the most common questions and why they shouldn’t matter:
1. What does he/she do?
This is one of those things that people want to know first up. Are you dating a drug dealer or a high profile politician or a stripper? Apparently jobs define the person these days? Some jobs do but not all! Take my profession for example. Yes I am a Sexologist but that does not make me a sex worker ( not that there is anything wrong with sex work) or even mean I have a lot of sex. I would like to hope when people meet me that my job does not define who I am but merely an interesting topic of conversation.
2. How old is he/she?
Believe it or not, age should not matter. We are focused on age sometimes due to our reproductively focused minds. Is she too old to have a baby? Is he old enough to be her father? In this day and age women are having babies later in life and there is always surrogacy or adoption when our bodies are not able to do what we want. Should it really matter if someone is older or younger? Look how we have accepted the term the ” cougar”. It doesn’t just happen in Hollywood! Age is just a number after all, it’s how old their mind is that matter!
3. Where does he/she live?
Now there is a geographical implication on the relationship if we are talking about long distance, but if not where the person lives should not define who they are. I’m not from Sydney originally and are amazed at how there is such a label that is attached to a person depending on what suburb they are from or live in or if they are north, east, south or west. Is it better to date someone with a small unit in a nice suburb or a big mansion in a crappy suburb? What should matter is that they are close enough to see you.
4. Has he/she been married before?
Coming from a professional background where I was involved in the divorce process I do understand how this can impact on the situation. There is that common beliefs that if they can’t make one relationships work maybe they won’t make the effort with the second. Or that if they cheated once they might just do it again. New flash, relationships end for all sorts of reasons. Some have to do with the person and their attitude and others have to do with life circumstance or a matter of falling out of love. But if you really love someone and are happy, should it matter if they were married before? The relationships is just as likely to end with someone who has never been married.
5. Does he/she have Face Book?
This is a question asked by those who want to stalk your new love interest. NEVER TELL THEM! Or never tell them the person’s full name! FaceBook is a glorified version of a person and others can make assumptions on limited information. People put someone in a box based on friends they have in common, photos they are tagged in or comments from other members of the opposite sex.
6. What is he/she like in bed?
Sex is not always a predicament of a good relationships nor is it public knowledge. I find others feed on doubts or issues people are having and can add to an existing problem. Sex can be very personal for a lot of people and also it might be something that takes time to develop in a new relationship. It is also dangerous to have comparisons. If the question is asked “how many times week do you have sex?” and your response is a number lower than the person asking the questions, should you feel as though there is something wrong or your sex life is not good enough? No! The amount of sex that is right to be having is what you are comfortable with and what you want, independent on how much others are having it.
7. ( for females) Does he have a big cock?
We like to say size doesn’t matter but this is a questions I hear asked by many women! Another news flash: For 80% of women it shouldn’t matter! 80% of women have orgasms through clitoral stimulation, so things like penis size should really not matter. What should matter is what they can do with their hands and mouth. ( and also if they are open to using a vibrator in bed). For 20% of those who have vaginal orgasms or might even have both, it still shouldn’t matter. Women can be more complex creature and need to be turned on both mentally and physically. Seduction is not just a glance at a big penis!
8. How did you meet?
What if you met at a sex club or through a professional match maker or an on line dating website or a speed dating event?These could be sometimes situation that a person might be embarrassed to admit. ( And really shouldn’t). What matters is that you met and sometimes the story is not always one to share.
9: What religion are they?
This is one I hear over and over again. Being Jewish and having a lot of Jewish friends I feel sorry for people who hold this is a defining factor to a potential partner for marriage. I do understand why people marry those of the same religion but what happens if the love of your life, the most amazing person comes along and they are not the right religion? You could end up with someone of the same religion who does not make you as happy or in time makes you miserable.
10: Are they good looking?
I cringe when I hear this one because the older I get and the more I see the more I realize looks really don’t matter. What I’m talking about here is stereotypical looks. Big books, blonde hair and a tiny waste for a women and big muscles, tanned skin and a thick head of hair for a guy. It is important that you are sexually attracted to your partner but what you are sexually attracted to could be on the inside.
Well then what should we ask? Ask that person what information they wish to share. When you ask these questions, one by one you are demonstrating what charateritics you find important in a partner. But these might not be the same for the person you are asking these too. Your reaction might also have a negative impact on that person and their new relationships. In the beginning it is a fragile period where partners are still getting to know one another. Who wants a seed of doubt planted by a friend or family member because a response to a question does not add up with their own personal beliefs of what an ideal partner should be. What you should ask is “tell me about that person?” Let the information be volunteered to you! All that should matter if that the person is question in happy!
let gets our proirities right.
From the beach in Thailand,
Dr Nikki G