When Does Sex End?

When does sex end? I know it’s a bizarre question, but I am a bizarre person with a bizarre profession ( so I’m allowed to ask these questions). Let’s get all academic and look at the definition (which by the way, most definitions of sex I don’t actually agree with). According to one medical website they term sex or sexual intercourse or coitus as “any physical contact between 2 individuals involving stimulation of the genital organs of at least one.” This is actually not a bad definition and does at least leave room for oral, anal and manual sex, and stimulation of only one person. (You don’t have to both be getting off for it to be sex!).


But, according to a study in 2010 by the Kinsey Institute, people don’t agree on what the term “had sex means”. In this study 95% of participants agreed that when a penis goes into a vagina then it is “sex”. However, 11% of the people studied maintained that if there was no ejaculation, then there was no “sex”. But 30% of people said that oral sex is not sex and 20% believed that anal sex is not sex even though they both have sex in their title. So if this were to be the case, would it mean that about a quarter of the population think that all gay men and lesbians are virgins? Does this also mean for 30% of the people, oral sex is not cheating on your partner cause it wasn’t sex? You should define sex based on how you actually have sex. The definition of sex will change depending on the persons involved and how they have sex.


Now, if we can’t agree on what the act actually is, then how on earth can we agree on when the act ends? It is never ending? How long is a piece of string or how long does sex last for? Even if we try and use the words “ until you are finished” how do we even know when we are finished? Does it end when a man ejaculates or does it end when a woman has an orgasm? (And what if they are both not able to have one?).


A running race finishes when you cross the line – how do you cross the finish with sex and should there even be an end in sight?


We are so focused on a certain pattern of events when it comes to sex and often don’t think outside the sex circle. We also tend to see sex as a race to the end! It’s not a race, it’s not something that has a definitive finish line and this is what we need to keep in mind. People feel inadequate if they don’t have an orgasm and put so much pressure on themselves and feel disappointed if they don’t. An orgasm is not the only thing that constitutes sex. If you enjoyed it, if you are still enjoying it, than that’s all that matters.



I see sex like breathing and eating. It is something we do all the time. We are sexual beings much more than we think. I’m not saying we are all having penetrative sex all the time (although some might be) but we think about it, fantasize about it, and breathe it all the time. Sometimes we are just not aware of it. We are so afraid of sex and looking outside the boundaries. Sex is not just a penis in a vagina (or anus, mouth or hand) it is so much more, but something very much indescribable.


Some people think sexual energy stays with us and that we can feel it throughout the waking day. Various stimuli that we would not normally see as something sexual might arouse us. If we take these feelings and use it in our sexual activities then this is a prime example of continuing sexuality. Combine this with a definition of sex that can’t be decided on,   and this is how sex goes on.


It is something that should never end and should never be seen as ending. You never stop having sex, you only just stop for a break (sometimes that break is longer for some). Sex is never ending with small (or large) breaks in between.


Happy continually having,


Dr NikkiG

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