When It’s OK to Think About Sex With Your Ex

A survey by the dating site EliteSingles just found that 30 percent of women and 21 percent of men compare their current sex lives with the sex lives they had with their exes. Um…is that OK?

According to sex and dating expert Nikki Goldstein, D.H.S., it’s just human nature. After all, how would we even know if the sex was good if we had nothing to compare it to? Our pasts “provide a level for us to determine if something is good, bad, or better,” Goldstein says. “It’s also how we learn about what we want and how our bodies work.”

However, there’s a limit to this and dwelling on your past relationships can reach an unhealthy level. According to Goldstein, it makes sense to think about things you can learn from and tweak, like how you and your current partner move together in bed, but comparing innate attributes like penis size isn’t going to help anyone.

“It’s important to stay present with your current sex life and celebrate what it is you enjoy, but also work with what’s in front of you,” she says. In other words, if your ex taught you what works for you in bed, that information can be useful when it comes to sex with your current S.O. But if your memories are just making you view your current partner as inadequate, it’s best to try to push them out of your mind.

Finally, Goldstein says it’s crucial to reframe the way you view sex with your ex if you feel like you keep revisiting it mentally: “Instead of seeing each situation as better or worse, we should look at all sexual experiences as just different.” Sound advice.

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